Randy Carboni

Machine Gun Kelly

2009-01-06T10:34:00.001-08:00

My office is in midtown New York City. I walk to my client almost every day. On my route there is a building that every once and a while will have what looks to be four S.W.A.T. men. They have black helmets, mirrored sunglasses and bulletproof vests. Each are armed with large automatic rifles. Two stand guard by a limousine and the other two guard the door of the building. I have no idea who warrants such protection and what said person is afraid of. I could not even tell you what the building is home to. But I do wonder about the situation.

One day on my travels I spotted the S.W.A.T. team in position. However, this time there was an elderly couple talking to one of the men. I imagined they were asking about who needed such protection so I sauntered over to overhear the conversation. When I was close enough to hear I burst out laughing. The elderly couple were asking directions.

I tried to imagine the thought process. ‘There is a nice looking young man with an automatic weapon. Surely he will give us directions.’ On the other hand maybe they were a decoy to an attack. I didn’t stay to find out.

Re: Dinner

2008-11-26T05:26:00.000-08:00

From: Roger
Subject: Dinner
Date: November 18 9:23:07 AM

Hey Barry, how would you and your family like to come over for dinner tomorrow night?

From: Barry
Subject: Re: Dinner
Date: November 18 9:28:14 AM

Sorry, Aaron is going to a birthday party tomorrow night. Maybe some other time.

From: Roger
Subject: Dinner
Date: November 18 9:38:34 AM

How about tonight?

From: Barry
Subject: Re: Dinner
Date: November 18 10:15:15 AM

Tonight doesn’t work either. Lindsey has dance.

From: Roger
Subject: Dinner
Date: November 18 10:33:02 AM

What about yesterday?

From: Barry
Subject: Re: Dinner
Date: November 18 10:48:56 AM

That works. What time should we have come?

From: Roger
Subject: Dinner
Date: November 18 10:59:22 AM

Around 5:30.

From: Barry
Subject: Re: Dinner
Date: November 18 11:16:28 AM

Cool. What should we have brought?

From: Roger
Subject: Dinner
Date: November 18 11:28:44 AM

I made burritos and Mexican rice. How about dessert?

From: Barry
Subject: Re: Dinner
Date: November 18 11:45:13 AM

Mexican, cool. I could have made flan.

From: Roger
Subject: Dinner
Date: November 18 11:56:56 AM

Flan? Yuck, who brings flan to someone’s house?

From: Barry
Subject: Re: Dinner
Date: November 18 12:01:13 PM

I do, that’s who. Flan is great.

From: Roger
Subject: Re: Dinner
Date: November 18 12:26:11 PM

You should have brought something everyone would eat.

From: Barry
Subject: Dinner
Date: November 18 12:44:01 PM

Oh yeah! Well I was up all night with a bad stomach. Where did you get those burritos, Taco Bell?

From: Roger
Subject: Re: Dinner
Date: November 18 12:58:16 PM

Ha ha, very funny. I made them myself.

From: Barry
Subject: Dinner
Date: November 18 1:11:21 PM

Next time just order a pizza. I don’t want to subject my family to your cooking experiments.

From: Roger
Subject: Re: Dinner
Date: November 18 1:28:55 PM

You know what, forget it, don’t bother coming last night!

From: Barry
Subject: Dinner
Date: November 18 1:33:41 PM

Fine, I’m glad we didn’t!

Johnny Cake's

2008-11-17T10:41:00.001-08:00

A young couple is walking hand and hand down a city sidewalk. They were speaking gaily to each other and in no particular hurry. They stopped in front of a bar that had the sign “Johnny Cake’s” over the door. “Let’s try this place for a drink.” Said Kevin.

“ I don’t know. It looks kind of seedy.” Replied Sarah.

“It’s just a local bar with a lot of character. Let’s go in”

“Okay.”

As Kevin and Sarah entered Johnny Cake’s the few patrons stopped what they were doing and watch the couple enter. Kevin looked around, spotted a table and led Sarah to it, and they sat down. All the eyes in Johnny’s watch them. After they sat down the patrons went about their business.

“This place is giving me the creeps.” Said Sarah.

“I think it’s great. I love a place like this with out all the pomp and glitz.”

Just then the waiter showed up. “Good evening folks. How can I help you tonight?”

“Good evening. I’d like a seven and seven please.” Answered Kevin.

“And I’d like a cosmopolitan please.” Answered Sarah.

“”Thank you.” Said the waiter and he left.

Looking around Sarah said, “Doesn’t look like many women come here. Wasn’t it weird how everyone stared at me as we came in?”

“Not so weird. They were checking out the hot chick.” Sarah smiled at the compliment. Then Kevin added, “The only other woman here is that broken down hooker at the end of the bar.”

Sarah hit him playfully and said in a whisper, “Shut up, she’ll hear you.”

Kevin laughed then said, “You worry too much. Look at that guy playing pool. Think he is on probation?”

“Will you stop. Your going to get us in trouble.”

The waiter showed up with the drinks on a tray. He carefully placed them on the table and said,” Please be careful, they a piping hot.”

“What do you mean they are piping hot?” Asked Kevin.

“The drinks sir, they are piping hot.”

“Are you kidding me? What is this some sort of joke?”

“No sir, that is how we serve them.”

“Well take them back and bring us some cold drinks.”

“Sorry sir, I can not do that. This is how we serve drinks here.”

Kevin stood up in anger and started to yell, “Look you’ve had your fun. You can drop the act and bring us cold drinks” As he did this the other patrons stood up and looked ready to pounce at Kevin. Kevin looked around and became confused. He looked back at the waiter and said, “What is this place?”

“Johnny Cake’s sir. We are the best in the city.”

Tales from the Kitchen

2008-11-15T19:34:00.000-08:00

The kitchen had a single fluorescent bulb that would flicker every once in a while. The floor was covered with linoleum that was so old that no matter how clean it was it always looked dirty. The only items on the formica counter was a toaster and a peculator. The percolator was in use.

Standing at the counter was the woman of the house. She was wearing an apron over her bathrobe and was making biscuits. She had once been semi attractive but age and a hard life were showing their signs. She looked neither happy nor sad, just complacent.

The man sitting at the circular table in the middle of the kitchen was drumming his fingers. His face had the obvious weathering of a person who worked outdoors. A couple of times he looked up at the woman and opened his mouth to speak, but then would close his mouth and look down to study his drumming fingers. A look of determination crossed his as he stopped drumming. He placed both hands flat on the table and opened his mouth to speak. Before he could utter a sound his head rolled off his neck and fell to the floor. His body slumped on the table and bled.

The woman heard the noise and looked over her shoulder to see the cause. She saw the lifeless body slumped and bleeding on the table and thought, 'that'll be a bitch to clean.'

Bryant Park

2008-11-10T08:24:00.000-08:00

I left my mid-town office in Manhattan, and was in no particular hurry. I decided to see what the new construction in Bryant park was about. I could hear the speakers playing Louis Armstong and was enticed further.

What they had constructed in the middle of the park was an ice-skating rink complete with lockers and dining tables. Quite an elaborate set up I thought. It was a warm day and maybe ten skaters were on the ice. There was also about a half-an-inch of water on the ice. I pity the person who fell in the slop as I didn’t think anyone brought a change of clothes. But I could be wrong. As of yet no one was wet.

What I also noticed was three men on the ice with orange jackets with the words “Skating Guard” on the back. Also an EMS person standing on the side with more guards. Were they expecting some sort of skating riot?

I soon strolled over to the Pétanque court. This is a game similar to lawn bowling or Bocce. Pétenque has it’s origin in France and is played with metal balls. The players of today’s game where four young men. Three dressed casually and one in a business suit and tie. The young man in the suit was also talking on a cell phone while playing. This led to him trying to throw out of turn and then being told when it was his turn. He even kept talking when throwing the metal balls.

I moved along to conduct my business. Half an hour later when my business was done I came back through the park. I first walked to the Pétanque court. The same group of young men were still playing and the young man in the suit was still talking on the cell phone. I then proceeded to the ice rink where the guards were still waiting for the riot and no one as of yet was wet.

I am not sure why but it felt peaceful that nothing had changed in my short time away from the park. As if the usual hustle and bustle of the city did not affect this little piece of serenity.

Piping Hot

2008-11-06T19:46:00.001-08:00

A man is sitting alone at bar with few patrons. The bartender places a drink with some steam coming off the top in front of the man. “Here you go, one piping hot manhattan.”

“What? I didn’t order a piping hot manhattan!”

“You most certainly did.”

“No I didn’t. I just ordered a manhattan. I never said to make it piping hot.”

“Well there’s the problem. You should have been more specific.”

“What do you mean specific? I’ve never even heard of a “piping hot manhattan”!

“You haven’t? I’m surprised. It’s all the rage.”

“Well I didn’t want piping hot manhattan. Can I have a regular, cold, manhattan please.” Man pushes the drink away from him.

“Well, since I made the piping hot one already, why don’t you try it and see what you think”

The man looks skeptical but picks it up. “What is that white stuff floating in it?”

Bartender looks at the drink. “I think the swizzle stick melted.”

The man pushes the drink away) “Get this out of here!”

“Alright, alright, you don’t have to get mad. Do you want a piping hot manhattan without a swizzle stick?”

“No! I don’t even want a manhattan anymore. Just get me a beer.”

“Okay, one piping hot beer coming right up.”

Man leaves the bar.

Loose Jeans

2008-11-05T06:47:00.000-08:00

It is a very mild day in New York City. I am walking back from a client enjoying the weather when I see up a head and overweight woman whose jeans seem to be riding very low. As she is walking her jeans are sinking almost to a point of no return. She then stops then pulls them up.

As she continues down the sidewalk the pants start their travel downward again. Once again she stops and pulls them up. This happens twice more before I turn the block and she is out of site. I come to two conclusions. This was her exercise program, walk, walk, walk, pull up, Walk, walk, walk, pull up.... Either that or her pants button popped and the zipped screamed for mercy then gave up.

Fleeting Moments

2008-11-03T06:44:00.001-08:00

(a man is sitting on a park bench reading a news paper. A large man dressed in a super hero costume is standing next to him.)
Cockyman: I am Cockyman!
Man: (slides down the bench away from Cockyman)
Cockyman: (moves toward man) I am Cockyman!
Man: Okay.
Cockyman: I am a great super hero.
Man: Is that so.
Cockyman: Yes it is.
Man: (goes back to reading paper.)
Cockyman: I am Cockyman!
Man: So you’ve said.
Cockyman: I like to tell people how great I am.
Man: (Ignoring Cockyman)
Cockyman: You must be awed by my presence.
Man: Annoyed by your presence is more like it.
Cockyman: How could you be annoyed. I am the greatest super hero Detroit has ever seen?
Man: Then go back to Detroit. Here in Cleveland you are annoying.
Cockyman: I’m in Cleveland?

(cut to a man and woman sitting at a table with a bowl of soup in front of each.)
Woman: My soup is too hot.
Man: Would you like a scoop of vanilla ice cream in it?
Woman: In pea soup!?
Man: Pea soup! Thank goodness.
Woman: Why, what kind of soup did you think it was?
Man: I’d rather not say.
Woman: (tries soup again) My soup is too hot.
Man: Would you like a scoop of vanilla ice cream in it?
Woman: In pea soup!?
(Cockyman bursts though door breaking it apart. Man and woman are startled)
Cockyman: I will save you from this endless rut!
Man: Hey, you broke our door!!!
Cockyman: I am Cockyman!
Man: I’m going to call the police.
Cockyman: I am a great friend of the police. I am a super hero!
Man: Super hero or not, you are going to pay for that door.
Cockyman: That door is a mere triviality compared to my greater purpose.
Man: And what is that purpose?
Cockyman: Woman! Try your soup.
Woman: (tries soup) It’s just right.
Cockyman: Am I not awesome?
Woman: I submit that you are.
Man: Awesome for delaying dinner. What kind of super hero power is that?
Cockyman: I have a long list of super powers.
Man: Nuts to you. I’m calling the police (picks up phone.)
(Cockyman looks panicked and leaps out an open window)
Woman: Wait! (runs to the open window and looks out) Don’t call the police, call an ambulance. Flying was not on his list.

(A man standing alone on a street corner. He is a perfect target for...)
Cockyman: I am Cockyman.
Man: You’re from England?
Cockyman: (to himself) Apparently Cleveland. (aloud) I am a great super hero.
Man: You are?
Cockyman: Yes.
Man: How come I’ve never heard of you?
Cockyman: Have you been to Detroit?
Man: No
Cockyman: My fame is in Detroit..
Man: (looking at him up and down) Are you any good?
Cockyman: Neither rain, sleet, snow nor darkness of night can keep me from my duties.
Man: You’re a mailman?
Cockyman: (a little puzzled) No… I am Cockyman, a super hero.
Man: So what is it you do? Fly? Lift cars? Eat bullets?
Cockyman: Ha! Nothing so common. Would you like to hear of my great accomplishments?
Man: Maybe next time.
Cockyman: There may not be a next time. I could parish in the face of danger at any moment.
Man: Wouldn’t that be a shame.
Cockyman: I could tell you of the time I had two broken arms, a twisted ankle, and a stuffy nose and yet I still single handily saved two hundred orphans from a burning building.
Man: Look, I’m just standing here minding my own business. I wish you would do the same.
Cockyman: I could tell you of the time when I had a broken knee cap, a crushed foot, been decapitated, and was still able to climb on the outside of a building to the twentieth floor and save fifty people who were being held hostage by an army of desperate criminals.
Man: Hey, there’s a couple of guys mugging an old lady.
Cockyman: Where?
Man: Over there. (points down street. turns back to see Cockyman running the other way.) I guess he is going back to Detroit.

Exeunt

Train Ride

2008-10-29T06:50:00.001-07:00

I was on the train home from the city when a mother a daughter dressed to the nines and reeking of money sat next to me. The daughter was no more than four years old. The girl looked sweeter than a bucket of cotton candy. The last stop of this line was one of the more affluent towns in the country, I assume their destination.

The mother pulled out a magazine and started reading. The daughter stared out the window watching the landscape turn from city to country. Son the daughter said aloud, “I wish I could use the computer at home. I want to go on the internet and register my webkinz. But we don’t have internet connection and that makes me sad.”

The mother replied, “It has been a long day, why don’t you try to sleep?” The daughter did not reply and continued to stare out the window.

A few minutes passed and the mother said, “That was a stupid article.”
Daughter replied, “What was it about?”
“Nothing, it was just stupid.”
“Was it about toilet paper?”
“No. Now mommy is going to try and sleep so please be quiet.”

No more was said during the trip until the first stop when the daughter asked if it was their stop and continued to ask at every stop until they got off the stop I expected.

The Peppermint Squad?

2008-10-28T09:58:00.000-07:00

“The Peppermint Squad!? What kind of pansy assed name is that!?” This, of course, is the ranting of Sebastian Q. Whimsfairy. He was in his usual spot on the bus top bench eating a bowl of barley soup. Barley soup is a great choice to warm your bones on a cold winter day. But seeing as the temperature was in the nineties and humidity level was higher, I’m thinking a gazpacho would have been a better choice. But a clear line of thinking was not Sebastian’s strong suit.

Sebastian was sitting alone on the bench not just because he was a disheveled old man ranting aloud to himself, but he was also a very animated talker and would often spatter soup on anyone within spattering range.

“Why in my day we would have had tough sounding names like the Fireballs…or the Jaw Breakers…or the Jujubes. Well maybe not the Jujube’s. People might think we were a bunch of heebs. “

The bus showed up to the relief of the future riders who gingerly moved around Sebastian and made their escape. Sebastian remained on the bench spattering and spewing about his next errant thought process.